


say it louder, say it louder (whos gonna love you like me?)

by maraudears



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: F/M, First Love, Friends to Lovers, I'm Sorry, Lily and Remus are best friends, M/M, Unrequited Love, Unresolved Sexual Tension, they are a mess
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-08
Updated: 2015-10-08
Packaged: 2018-04-25 12:09:44
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,693
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4960072
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/maraudears/pseuds/maraudears
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Remus is in love with Sirius.</p><p> </p><p>Basically.</p>
            </blockquote>





	say it louder, say it louder (whos gonna love you like me?)

When Remus opens his eyes, the clarity from the sun almost blinds him. He stands right there, though. Feeling the warmth on his pale skin, feeling the breeze on his hair.

He closes his eyes again and takes a deep breath.

Somewhere behind him, he hears James laughing and Peter too. But he can't hear Sirius.

Because Sirius is _not_ there. He's _not_ with them. He's with his new _boyfriend._ And Remus is fine with it.

"Moony." He hears James calling and he turns back to his friend. "What's the matter, pretty?"

"Nothing." He says, because it's truth. _What's the matter? Sirius is dating a bloke, and it's not me_ doesn't looks like a good answer, he thinks, so he sticks with nothing.

"Something's wrong." Peter says "C'mon, Moony, we are your friends. There's nothing you could say..."

"I know." Remus interrupts. "But it's fine. I'm just worried with the next full moon"... _Because I don't know if Sirius will be with me_ , he continues in his head.

"Fine." James says, and Remus closes his eyes again.

 

*

They get back to the castle when the sun is hiding, they're under James' Cloak and they're giggling because this is so embarrassing, but it's also so funny. They're tripping over each other's feet and Remus is laughing, genuinely, for the first time since... Well, now he's not laughing anymore.

The Gryffindor's Room is empty when they get there. Sirius is nowhere to be seen, and Remus' heart aches with that. He misses Sirius so bad, not just because he is in love with him, but also because Sirius is his best friend and he misses his best friend like hell.

He can't stop thinking about the full moon, he is not used to be alone anymore, and even if he knows Prongs and Wormtail will be there, it's not the same without Padfoot.

"I'm going to sleep, okay?" He says, and Peter just looks at him. "Okay?" He repeats.

"Yeah, okay." Peter says, "Good night, Moony."

"Nanite, Moony." James whispers.

He goes to their room, freeing himself from the tie and the robes.

It's somewhre between 4am and 5am when he hears footsteps, he opens an eye and stares at Sirius' bed.

He knows he's coming and he hopes he's alone.

For Remus's relief, he is.

He closes his eyes again.

"Moons?" He hears Sirius's whispering and _Fuck_ , he can't look at him. He can't do it, so he keeps his eyes closed. "Moons, wake up."

Remus can't look at Sirius right now with his messy black hair and his bright eyes because he knows he was with the other one when he should've been with him, and he can't do it, but he does. He opens his eyes.

"Pads?" He says, his voice rough. "What happened?"

"Nothing, nothing happened, everything's okay."

"So?" He says. He is heavily breathing and he hopes Sirius doesn't notice.

It was hard before, when Sirius was single, it was very hard for Remus, but now he's taken and it's worse.

Remus is ignoring Sirius, he knows that. He says he is busy studying with Lily, but it's a excuse to be away when Sirius is near.

But sometimes he can't escape, like right now.

"Well." Sirius says, "I know you were sleeping, but since you've been ignoring me, this is the only way I've to talk to you."

"That's... That's not true."

"Yeah, it is." He whispers roughly. "Can I?" He asks.

Fuck. _Fuckfuckfuckfuck_. They're used to it, Remus reminds himself. It's not awkward because they're used to it, they lay with each other all the fucking time.

"Yeah, sure."

Sirius pushes him aside, burying himself on the bed with Remus. "I've missed you." He says. Remus looks at him, studying his face.

Sirius's hair is falling over his forehead, his eyes are closed and his lips are pressed together.

"I'm always here, Sirius." He says, his throat dry.

"No, it's been a long time since we... talked. Like we used to." Sirius says, he casts a silence spell, and Remus is amazed by how incredibly talented Sirius is with wandless magic. "You know it's truth. I just don't know why."

"You're wrong." Remus says. "I'm fine, you're fine, we're fine. Let's sleep."

"No. Moons, please."

"What." He says.

"What the fuck is wrong with you?" And his voice is soft, with no intend to be rough. "What have I done?"

"Nothing, Sirius, I'm serious"

Sirius smiles.

"No, I'm Sirius. You're Remus."

"Very funny."

"I try."

Remus smiles too, because how can he not?

"Is it because of Alec?" Sirius asks, and Remus can hear Sirius' heart beating fast now and everything is so fucked up.

When Sirius told them he was dating, Remus' heart stopped for a second, but he told he was proud and James was singing loud about Sirius' lover and Peter was laughing and Sirius was grinning and his fucking teeth was showing... He was his best friend, he should be happy for him.

"No." He says after a minute.

"Remus."

"Sirius." He sighs tiredly. "It is not about your fucking boyfriend."

"So, what is this?"

"It's nothing, we're _fine_."

“Okay.”

“Okay.”

He rolls in the bed, closing his eyes so hard and trying to forget about Sirius Black.

*

In the morning, really early, Remus wakes up. He opens his curtains and stands up, staring at Sirius' sleepy face.

His heart clenches as he remembers Sirius voice asking him " _Is it because of Alec?_ " Fucking hell.

Is it?, he asks himself. Yes, it is.

He goes to bathroom, shaking his thoughts out his head. His first class of the day is Potions, and he must be focused because Potions is hard.

"Stop the drama Sirius, Moony said it's fine, so it's fine." And that's clearly James, "What the hell is wrong with you?"

"He's distant." And this is Sirius. Fuck. He must have thought Remus was already in class. "I can feel something's wrong and he won't tell me."

"Amuses me that you can't see it by yourself."

"What do you mean?

Remus holds his breath.

"Nothing, Padfoot."

Remus stays in the bath for like twenty minutes, waiting for Sirius and James to leave.

*

Remus walked thoughtfully around the filled halls of Hogwarts, he sat with Lily in Potions and did his best not to think about James and Sirius.

It turns out, of course, that Remus' brain does not help at all, and he ends up thinking too much on what James meant at the bathroom.

"Remus." Lily calls softly. "Are you alright?"

"Um, I'm fine." He says. "Lily, can I tell you a secret?"

"Of course you can." She says, curling her red hair on a ponytail.

That's how they end up sitting at the tower, wrapped in Gryffindor scarves. Remus takes a deep breath.

"I'm in love with Sirius." He says without pause.

"Well," Lily says. "Can't say I'm surprised, can I?"

"What?"

"It's pretty obvious." She blushes. "I mean, you two act all couple with each other, I was really taken aback when I saw Sirius with Alec."

"Wait. What?" He repeats.

"Why don't you tell him?" She offers.

"I can't." He tells, his head on her lap. "It's not like he feels the same way about me."

"I don't know, Re. He seems to love you a lot."

"Yeah, like he loves James and Peter." He sighs. "Not like he loves Alec."

"I don't think he loves Alec, to be honest. They're together for like a month or something, it's to early for love."

"It is not early."

"Why don't you ask him?"

"Ask him what?"

"If he loves Alec."

"I don't think..."

"Oh come on," She snaps. "Grow a pair and make a move. You can't stay here and watch the love your life go away with some ravenclaw boy. It doesn't even make sense. Why would Sirius choose him over you?"

"He sees me as a brother, Evans."

"Bullshit." Lily laughs. "Brothers don't treat each other the way you do."

He smiles.

"It's good to have someone to talk." He says.

"Yeah, I'm pretty sure it's impossible to talk with Potter."

"Oh Merlin, you like him so much, it's all over your face."

"Don't be stupid, dear." She says, but she is blushing and Remus laughs."What are you going to do?"

"I don't know." He's honest. "I think James knows how I feel."

"Why?"

"I was in the bathroom earlier, and James and Sirius walked in, they didn't saw me there so, Sirius was complaining about me, because I'm ignoring him lately, and James said, and I quote, "Amuses me that you can't see it yourself."

"Oh. Well, he has a brain after all."

"Don't be mean, he's my friend."

"I know, sorry."

They have to go back, eventually, but for now, Remus is too comfortable so he doesn't move. He stays there, talking to Lily about his feelings and it's surprisingly good.

*

The day passes smoothly, James asks for Remus' help to plan an attack against Slytherin, Sirius is nowhere to be seen and Peter manages to choke on his food three times.

"Where's Sirius?" Peter asks after dinner, when they're climbing the stairs to the common room.

"Don't know." James says.

"Hmm." Remus mutters. "Maybe he's with Alec." He whispers, and he does not intend to sound so bitter.

Peter isn't paying any attention anymore, but James is.

"What's all that, Moony?"

"What?"

"Is it bitterness?"

"Bugger off, Prongs." He says, he murmurs the password to the room and doesn't waste a minute waiting for the other two before grabbing a book, sitting on the chair near the fire.

He is startled when the door opens and he realizes that there's nobody else around, but his distraction doesn't last long enough, because Sirius is coming in with his messy hair.

"Hi." He says, calmly.

"Hi, pads."

"Where's everybody?" He asks, sitting across Remus.

"Sleeping, probably."

"What are you doing, then?"

"Reading." He points the book. "Where were you? James missed you at dinner."

"Oh."

"What?"

"James?"

"Yes." He says.

"So?"

"What?"

"For how long are you going to act like you don't know me at all?"

"I"m not acting like I don't know you, Sirius. Actually, since you're so interested, why don't you start to act like you still give a fuck about your friends?"

"What are you talking about, Remus?"

"Fuck off. We haven't seen you all day, you fucking idiot."

"I was busy."

"So am I right now, but you don't seem to care, do you?"

"Fuck, Remus. Why are you doing this to me?"

Sirius' eyes are bright with tears, and Remus doesn't know what to do. It's been a month and they’re hardly seeing each other, they’re hardly talking, and the full moon is so close now and Remus doesn't know what to do, he doesn't know if Sirius will be there.

"Are you so in love with him that you can't take a fucking break and hang out with us anymore?"

"I'm not...Remus, I'm not in love." Sirius says, his hands are in his hair, twisting and pushing. "I'm not in love with him." He says again, crystal clear and Remus' heart clenches so hard.

"Why are you with him, then?"

"I don't know." He says, and he's being honest. Remus can tell he's being honest, he knows Sirius would never lie to him.

"Sirius..." He breathes.

"Moony.”

"You know... Hum, the full moon is close, and... I've been thinking if, you know, you'll be there with me? Because. Hum. I don't know... I can't deal with... Being without you there. With me. Fuck. I can't do it without you. It's worse when you're not there."

Suddenly Sirius is everywhere, his hands on Remus' face. "Fuck, Moony, of course I'll be there, fuck, I can't believe you thought I wouldn't, don't you know you're the most important thing I've on my entire life?"

And the only thing Remus can do is push Sirius closer to him. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm being an awful friend, I know." He says, his forehead on Sirius' shoulder.

"No. I'm being an awful friend. You're right." His voice is soft. "I'm just... Just trying to deal with a lot of feelings."

"Feelings?"

"Yeah I've been... Confused, with a lot of feelings since I...”

"Feelings for him?" Remus interrupts.

"No. For you."

“What the fuck. Sirius. Don’t do that.”

"I'm not doing anything." He whispers, his thumb pressed against Remus' lips. "I'm being honest."

"What are you talking about?"

"I've been thinking about you in that way for a long time, you know? But I couldn't, with you? I mean, fuck, you're like a brother. But this thing, it was suffocating me. I couldn't be near you, I couldn't look at you because all I wanted to do was kiss the fuck out of you."

He breathes against Remus. "I was falling so hard for you. I couldn't even think straight when you were around me, and, Moony, you're so oblivious.You're all over the place with your fucking golden eyes, and your smile and your jokes about books I've never heard about... I got scared. Because I was in love with my best friend."

They were tangled together against the wall now, Remus' doesn't even know how this happened, but he could feel his back against the wall and he could feel Sirius' body against him.

"I met Alec." He continues. “He's a nice lad, so I thought that maybe, you know, if I tried hard enough... But it didn't work, I kept thinking about you all the time.”

“Fuck.”

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry I fucked up. I’m sorry I fell in love with you Remus, but you're irresistible.”

"Sirius..."                                                          

"And I'll understand if you... If you want to stay the fuck away from me." He says, and he takes a step back as if to prove Remus that he would understand.

"I... I love you."

Sirius stares at him.

"Say it again."

"I love you, Sirius Black."

"Say it louder."

"Fuck," Remus laughs. "I love you so much, Sirius, so much."

And then, of course they are kissing. They're a explosion of tongue and smiles and teeth and squeezes and hair. "I'm so in love with you. Moons," Sirius says and he is kissing Remus again and fuck, if this is not the best thing in the world.

He feels Sirius' hands around his neck and he's flushed with heat and love. He pushes his fingers into Sirius' hair and pulls it, hearing a groan escaping from Sirius' throat.

"Merlin, I've dreamed about it."

"You’re sounding so creepy."

"I know. I'm just happy."

"I'm happy too."

*

They are together in Remus’ bed when Friday comes. It's not suspicious because they always do that, it's just different this time because they're together now. At least is what Remus thinks.

"Pads?" He calls softly and he can feel the love on his words. ""Pads... Can we talk about something?"

"Hum, yes? But I'm not totally awake so you have to be patient."

"Ok, love." He says, his head on Sirius' chest.

The curtains are closed, it's very dark and the silent spell is on. They're safe on their own world. "What are we." He says and it's not a question. It's supposed to be a question, he just doesn't know how to ask that, so instead he just says it.

"What do you mean?"

"I mean," He takes a deep breath. "Are we, like, together now?"

"Of course we are." Sirius is kissing his forehead. "Which part of 'Remus i'm in love with you", you didn't understand?" He jokes.

"I was just thinking..." He defends himself.

"Although, I guess we should wait until I break up with Alec, then wait some more, and then we come out."

“You’re already out.”

“You know what I meant, Moony.”

“I do.”

"Are you fine with this?"

"Yes."

"Really?"

"Yes, love."

“Good, okay, good.” Sirius kisses him again.

*

Sirius is not at the breakfast table with them, but now Remus knows why. So, when James asks, this time he has the answer, "Where _the FUCK_ is Sirius?"

"He's breaking up with Alec." Remus says, not looking at James, eyes on his book.

"He's what?"

"But why?" Peter asks, his mouth full of food. "I thought they were pretty serious."

"Hum, I don't know."  Remus says.

"How do you know that?"

"Well, he told me."

"When?"

"What's the matter, Prongs?" Remus lift up his eyes. "Why are you angry?"

"I'm not angry, Moony, I'm curious"

Remus sighs.  “We talked yesterday, he’s not... happy, I guess, with Alec.”

"Well." James says after a moment, "I guess that's up to him, right?"

"Yes." Peter agrees. "And I'll be honest with you two, 'kay?" Remus nods and James is doing the same so Peter continues, "I knew it wouldn't last."

"Why not?" Remus asks, suddenly interested. "Why would you think that?"

"I don't know, mate. I don't think he's in love with that Alec boy." He shrugs.

"Neither do I." James says. "He's in love with somebody else." He says quietly, his eyes flicking at Remus then going back at his Prophet.

*

He does seed Sirius at Arithmancy, he's sitting with James and Remus is pairing with Lily again, so they don't talk.

But they stare at each other a lot and they're smiling like fools and Lily sees it, "What is this." She says, not looking at Remus but there's a smile on her lips.

"Well."

"Did you two talk about your feelings?"

"Maybe?"

"Shit. Tell me about it."

"Later." Remus teases.

*

"Is later now?" She asks, they're heading up to the library.

"We talked."

"Tell me!" Lily says. "Tell me and I'll tell you my secret."

"If you're going to tell me that you have a crush on James, then I already know it."

"What? I don't, please, as if." She's blushing so hard and gagging and then, "Fine. I may have a little, very little, crush on him."

"I knew it."

"Don't tell him, Remus, please."

"I will not." He says, offended. "I may be a marauder, but I also know how to keep a secret."

"Good, good."

They sit at the back of the library, it's everything quiet. "So, how's this?"

"He told me he is in love with me."

Lily holds her breath. "I want to scream but I can't so I will wait to do it on the Quidditch field later."

Oh, Remus thinks, it's game day.

"Remus! What more?"

"He said that the only reason why he started dating Alec was because he was afraid of his feelings for me? He thought I would freak out."

"This is so bloody stupid."

"We're talking about Sirius Black."

"Fair enough." Lily shrugs. "You two are a official couple now, then."

"Not yet."

"Why not?"

"Well, he's single for like an hour."

"So?"

"We decided to wait a little bit."

"Bullshit." She says. "But if that's what you want."

Lily opens her book and starts to read, and Remus does the same, the only difference is that he's not really paying attention to the book, he's actually thinking about Sirius.

Sirius' hair, Sirius' lips and his hands. His voice. His eyes and his smile. Fuck, Remus thinks, I'm so gone for him.

 

*

It's Gryffindor against Slytherin today, and Remus doesn't know how the fuck he forgot about it. But it doesn't matter since he's here.

Peter and Lily are beside him with other Gryffindor girls, and he's searching the field for his boys.

James is the first one he notices. His freaking hair is everywhere while he flies around some random boy, he's laughing hard, so hard that his cheeks are red. But then Remus searches for Sirius, wanting to see his face so bad that his heart's aching.

He's there. His black hair is on a ponytail and Remus holds a groan on his throat.

As if there's some kind of connection between them, Sirius lift his eyes and then he's staring straight into Remus' golden ones.

 _I love you_ , he mouths and Remus blushes, _I love you too_ , he says.

Remus is clearly not paying any attention to the game, he's watching it, really, he's watching when James almost falls off his broom, and he's still watching when they win, but his attention it's not a hundred percent there, instead he's thinking about how hot Sirius is.

How fucking beautiful, shining and pretty he is. The brightest star in the Earth's night sky.

 _And mine_ , he thinks.

"We won!" Sirius’ yelling, coming at Remus like a lightning, unstoppable and beautiful. "Did you see that? We won."

"Of course you won." Remus says and he wants to kiss Sirius so much.

But they must wait.

Remus is greeting every player and then he's making fun of James hair, and Lily is smiling at James too and Peter is singing some "we are the fucking champions" shit, and no one's telling him that they need to win like four more games to win the Quidditch Cup, though.

“Hey,” He hears Sirius’ voice, hot and softly on his ear. “I love you.”

"I know." He says. "You look beautiful like this."

"Sweaty and messy?"

"Yes." He licks his lips. "I want to kiss you."

"Kiss me."

"We can't."

Sirius lays his head on Remus' shoulder. "I want you to kiss me."

"Pads,"

"I know... We can't."

Sirius' eyes are bright, his lips are pink and his hair is now falling on his shoulders. Remus knows that everyone is watching them, because how could they not? Alec it's on the other side of the pitch, and everyone's asking " _where is sirius_ " and Sirius is _here_.

On Remus' arms.

"Fuck it," He says, grabbing Sirius' lips on his.

“Are you sure...” Sirius asks urgently but Remus doesn't care because he loves Sirius so much.

He's pressing soft kisses on Sirius' entire face and they're kissing hard again.

They can hear James and Peter and even Lily screaming things like "finally", or in Peter's case "what the fuck is happening", but they don't care.

They're so in love with each other. 


End file.
